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Each year, many thousands of marriages in Germany are dissolved, and a considerable number of these divorced couples have minor children. When the divorced individuals eventually find a new partner and decide to start a new life together, what is known as a patchwork family emerges.
Patchwork families have fundamentally always existed, albeit against the backdrop of changing societal and social conditions. Today, nearly one in ten families in Germany is "colorfully mixed." However, what may sound colorful and fun can become a challenge for all family members of the new family. It's no coincidence that we find the word "work" in "patchwork": it involves a lot of work and patience. But with the right approach and a few tips, a harmonious and enriching coexistence for everyone can certainly develop.
What defines the family concept of "patchwork"?
The name "Patchwork" comes from the fact that the composition of a patchwork family can be as diverse as the namesake patchwork quilt, which is also made up of multiple pieces. A patchwork family can consist of the stepparents and the biological children of both partners, also known as a stepfather family or stepmother family. However, there are also families with a mix of shared children and stepchildren, families where children live permanently, and those where they only visit but are not part of the household. Depending on the family composition, it is advisable to find out about the legal foundations—for example, regarding custody and the rights of the stepparent. For the majority of people in Europe—approximately 85 percent—patchwork families are a normal, socially accepted family form. The patchwork family is not a new concept by any means and has existed for several centuries. While the classic combination of stepmother or stepfather with the opposite gender predominates, in recent years more and more patchwork families with same-sex partner relationships have emerged.
Why the Term "Step-Parents" is Outdated
Well into the 20th century, it was common to remarry when a parent died early, for example due to wars or illnesses. The prefix "step-" in the word "stepparents" originally comes from Germanic and means "deprived." Thus, according to its earlier meaning, the family was deprived by the (usually premature) death of a parent, and a quick remarriage was usual and necessary to secure and support the family. However, due to medical advancements, this situation has become much rarer today. Nowadays, in most cases, the increased rates of separation and divorce lead to the formation of blended families. The decisive factors still seem to be social and financial security and the desire for a "whole" family. Today, however, since the concept of a blended family tends to evoke a positive connotation and is seen primarily as a new chance for a happy family as well as an enrichment through new family members, the term "stepparents" has become somewhat negatively connoted. Therefore, the trend is increasingly moving towards using more positive terms like "bonus parents" or "additional parents.
Challenges of a Blended Family
When two partners find each other anew, they experience the initial phase of a relationship once again. They often make the mistake of assuming that their children feel the same way and will welcome the new partner with open arms. However, children often find it difficult to accept a new, largely unfamiliar person as a family member, especially if they see this person as "replacing" their father or mother. They frequently react with pain, defiance, fear, rejection, and withdrawal. The new partner also faces some challenges: If they were previously single or a single parent, they now suddenly become a stepfather or stepmother. This role change often happens within a very short time, leaving the partner with little time to adjust to the stepchildren. Many stepparents feel initially helpless and insecure, as the partial family they are joining is usually already well-adjusted. In contrast, they must first find their place within the new family framework. Many partners initially feel like outsiders and suffer from fears of failure, especially if they have no prior experience with child-rearing. If the new partner brings their own children into the family, sibling conflicts can also arise. The struggle for attention and jealousy are then common outcomes.
How can patchwork function and where should boundaries be set?
Fundamentally, different phases are undergone in family finding and formation:
- Familiarization and Getting to Know Each Other: Here, the biological parent plays the most important role, as they know both sides of the family and can best bring them together. It is important to maintain balance, not neglect either side, and create space for mutual familiarization.
- Power struggles and conflicts: The positions within the family structure are being reorganized and redefined. This can literally lead to a fight for a place – such as the car seat or the place at the dining table. The task of the adults at this stage is to create space for constructive discussions and their solutions and to prevent escalations.
- Transitional phase and gradual settling: Once the positions are clarified, it is important to communicate openly within the family and try out new rituals and routines. This way, all family members can gradually adjust to each other and learn to respect one another.
- Establishment of the new family structure: Over time, the new family settles in more and more and establishes solid habits. At this point, ideally, all family members have come to terms with each other. They know exactly where their place is in the new family and how they can interact with each other.
Important: Every blended family is different, and each child reacts differently to a new situation, so there is no universal recipe. However, what generally helps during the developmental process is to reduce pressure and be patient. Take your time, especially at the beginning, to approach the new situation properly and try to perceive it as something positive: You now have the opportunity to start anew and shape your new family. Be patient with yourself and others and do not set too high expectations on the reaction and adaptability of the children. Especially during the first meeting, children are often very reserved. That is why the first encounter should be carefully planned and considered and not happen by chance, for example, in the morning in the bathroom or the hallway. Instead, make a pre-announced, joint outing to the favorite ice cream parlor or park, so the children are prepared to meet the new partner in a neutral, relaxed environment, and you have an immediate good starting point for joint activities. As the new partner, be cordial during the first meeting, but do not rush things. It's better to hold back a little at first and wait for the children's reaction.
If the initial meeting goes well, the question often arises very soon as to what your partner's children should or want to call you as a new family member. At the first meeting, you should introduce yourself with your first name, but should you leave it at that or is it also okay if the stepchildren call you "Mom" or "Dad"? That clearly depends on the children. They should under no circumstances be forced to call you "Mom" or "Dad"; that should absolutely be reserved for the biological parent. However, if the desire comes from the children themselves, it can certainly be discussed with the biological parent. In no case should you try to replace the biological father or mother, and you don't have to. Instead of a parent-child relationship, try to build a friendship and let the children decide for themselves what role they assign to you. No matter what relationship you later have with your stepchildren, you are now an additional caregiver—a "bonus dad" or "bonus mom"—whom the children can rely on in their lives. This not only strengthens their social behavior, but they also receive more support in everyday life and thus many valuable companions on their developmental path.
Who can do what in a blended family?
No matter how colorful your new household may be, a few rules must not be missing. Since you may not yet know exactly which rules your partner has previously applied, you should try not to undermine any existing parenting rules. First discuss with your partner what you are allowed to decide regarding his or her children and what not. Especially if your own child and that of your partner live together in the family, you should agree in advance on the parenting goals you wish to pursue. Particularly in the early days of living together and beyond, regular family meetings with the whole family can help resolve any uncertainties by, for example, clarifying who is the point of contact for whom and what. This first shared time can also be an opportunity to develop new common rituals that can strengthen your future family life. For instance, you could introduce a Sunday breakfast where each family member takes on a part, watch a series in the evening, or play a game regularly.
New roles and time together?
When children from both families are brought into the new family, it can lead not only to conflicts between children and stepparents but also automatically change the children's positions within the family structure. For example, an only child suddenly becomes the older stepbrother, or the youngest girl suddenly has a little stepsister, which can lead to rivalries. It is all the more important that you accept and respect the stepchild just as much as your own. Talk openly about wishes, fears, and feelings. Show the children your love and attention again and again and take enough time for them, because these new roles in the family can also be very enriching for children if their fears are eased. Perhaps your child has always wanted a sibling, which was not possible in the previous family, or they missed having a same-aged child with similar interests to interact with and develop alongside. Through the new family structure, children also learn to handle changes and conflicts better. They learn respect, tolerance, and empathy while simultaneously strengthening their communication skills. Allow the partner and child to have time together regularly so that the children do not feel like they are losing something and suddenly see themselves in competition with you. And last, but not least: time for just the two of you is also important for you as a couple.
